Keep me up.

*generic post regarding mental breakdown/freakout session*

I seem to follow this pattern where I’ll be fine for about a month, and then someone will say something and I’ll dwell on it for hours and hours and keep it all bottled internally and then I snap. Going from being completely disconnected, rational, objective and in control to wanting to throw up because someone is unsure of their feelings for you is stupid. Off-hand comments that are meant to be taken lightly should always be taken lightly. I just have to wait out these chaotic and disjointed thoughts and keep telling myself that it’ll be fine. But it’s not convincing, and I’m not convinced.

These lyrics are me right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfYlRpvzFDU

fuckyeahtomate:

fuckyeahtomate:

OMG WHY IS THERE AN ICE CREAM TRUCK OUTSIDE AT 9PM

OH MY GOD NOW I HEAR GUNSHOTS

THAT ICE CREAM TRUCK DIDNT BRING DELICIOUS CREAMY TREATS IT ONLY BROUGHT FEAR

(Source: tomate5, via beachc0mmunity)

I will in all likeliness upload a super rough track from my new band tomorrow morning, because in all honesty I have never been so stoked on any band I’ve ever been a part of before.

I like it when people that I am pretending don’t exist remove themselves from my life without me having to do anything. I also dislike it when people who I really am trying to pretend don’t exist reinsert themselves into my life, and get offended when I don’t just pretend that nothing happened and we’re all cool and shit. I can’t just pretend that nothing happened. I don’t want to talk to you. You fucked up hard and I’m not going to make nice and be friendly and shit. Goodbye.

Stay cold.

I hate myself. I hate what I have become. I hate the feeling of being completely cutoff from emotion. I hate not being able to get close to people, to reduce everything to over analised bits of data. I wish I could feel pain again. I can’t remember the last time someone said something that actually scared me. I can’t remember the last time I felt fear. I can’t remember ever having loved someone. Affection doesn’t count. Affection doesn’t come nearly close enough to what I want to feel. I want to feel vulnerable, to break down this wall of ice.

I want you to hurt me, and for me to care that you hurt me.
I want you to love me, and for me to care that you love me.
I want to feel something more than hate, apathy, and lust.

I want to feel alive again. Help me.